The Englishman’s name is David. He’s been very patient with me.
David has described his feelings for me as an intellectual crush. You could call it cyber love, I suppose. We’ve never met, you see, yet we’ve become friends online, initially through a mutual interest in literature. In a way it’s a kind of experiment - is it possible for two brains to fall in love, without any physical attraction?
David is an artist, and he’s obviously been well educated, at Eton and Oxford University. He’s lived in America, Italy, and now France. His wife is French, like me, and I believe she’s much younger than him. He’s lived a very interesting life, meeting some famous people – Dali, Calvino, Duchamp. Rykwert. Through his online memoirs I’m getting to know his life story.
I don’t intend to meet David in the flesh, not even once, although I know he’d love to. Call me paranoid, but I think he ‘d be disappointed. His perfect illusion of me would be shattered – I can be quite horrible in person, believe it or not. Maybe it’s better this way?
What I do know is that David has become part of my therapy.
Poetry is my therapy. This blog, I guess, is part of my therapy. Anything that allows me to free my head, to express myself.
My shrink is called Gerhard. He has a small office on Engels Platz in Vienna, and also a clinic in la Suisse. The clinic is where I spent some time last summer, getting my head back together.
I think Gerhard understands me. Other people think they know what’s best for me. Like Helen, or ET. Especially ET. The one person who could help me died fifteen years ago. Sometimes I can still feel her presence, but it’s fading now. Tears are never far away when I think of Sandrine. Wonder what she’d make of her little girl now?
Gerhard said I had many problems. Paranoia, fantasia, fear, anxiety, introversion, panic. Apparently my psychosis was caused by various things, not least my parents tragic death in an auto accident when I was thirteen, an event I witnessed first hand. Then there were other factors:
An actual occult episode involving satanic ritual
Alcohol and drug abuse whilst at university
Rootlessness, drifting from place to place
Complete absence of morality
Rejection by the only person I physically loved, my friend Helene
Inability to form close relationships with men
Fantasising, inventing worlds and events
Terrifying Visions caused by hallucinogenic drugs
The controlling influence of my guardian, the Svengali like ET
Gerhard is extremely clever. Probably more so than ET even. He gives the impression of knowing everything about you. Psychoanalysis is his profession, and he is completely dedicated. My case interests him, I can tell. It’s a challenge, to resurrect a burned out soul.
I guess that's why he's invited me to spend a week with him at his private residence, in the hills above Lugano. Maybe, or is it that he finds me attractive? But Gerhard is old enough to be my father,
I like La Suisse. It's very placid, like Gerhard himself. Time to unburden myself, once more.
